Rear entry recommended

Greene Street nunnery?

Genius Takes Dump, Receives Award

Not like I give a shit about the Oscars, but I thought I would get my rant on after last night's annual 'Hollywood Masturbates On Itself: ON TV!!!' celebration.

I love Martin Scorsese. I really do. He is a big part of the reason that I wanted to make movies to begin with. I still have the copy of Raging Bull that I taped from HBO when I was 10. It is on a VHS tape with a masking tape label and it is currently being used as a doorstop in my parents house. Whatever, those VHS tapes are durable, nothing is going to happen to the movie. Anywhoo, this man has deserved to have awards thrown at him from moving vehicles for years. Raging Bull, After Hours, Good (fuckin) Fellas, shit even Casino looks good in retrospect. But while I have always wanted to see this:



I can't help thinking about the fact that he received it for his laziest film to date. Bringing out the Dead looks like a masterpiece compared to The Departed. While The Departed certainly joins the ranks of other stinkers like Sideways, Lost In Translation, Chicago, and The English Patient (not to mention Little Miss Sunshine) in the 'Oh well, the New York Times liked it, and it has movie stars, so I guess I think it is brilliant' club, at least those films were competent. They might have been overwrought, pretentious and boring, but they did not have egregious errors that one typically sees in student films.

I feel like I am the only person who noticed, and then was in turn bothered by, the fact that Gimme Shelter WAS IN THE FUCKING MOVIE TWICE!

Scorsese: Let's put Gimme Shelter in this scene.

Editor: But Marty, you opened the movie with that. Why do you want to use it again?

Scorsese: Oh, shit I'm sorry. Is your name Martin Scorsese? Did you used to do coke with Robert De Niro? Did you discover Harvey Keitel and make Ray Liotta a legitimate actor? I guess it was YOUR idea to enter the Copa in one stedicam take. Shit, well why don't I just leave and let YOU finish the movie, huh? What do I know anyway? It isn't like I have been nominated for Oscars or anything? If I want every scene to start and finish with Gimme Shelter, then that's what's going to happen. If I want it to be Jack Nicholson's fucking ringtone, then that's what will happen. You got it, fatty?

Editor: Speaking of which, this movie depends an awful lot on the usage of cell phones. Was that your idea?

Scorsese: If I wasn't senile and incompetent, I would fire you.

Don't even get me started on those accents. Only DiCaprio shows up as a serious performer. Baldwin and Wahlberg make the movie watchable, but only for comedic reasons. Also comedic, watching Matt Damon try and convince himself he isn't a charisma black hole. He must have sold his personality to watch Ben Affleck nail the Alias every week.

But like I said, I don't give a shit.



I'm telling you, I'm going to win an Oscar for this movie? Why are you laughing? What's so funny? What the fuck are you laughing at? What, am I a clown? I'm here to amuse you? I'm here to fuckin amuse you? Who just called me a midget?

Pharmaceuticals now available

The official website for my company, the Pharmacy, goes live today. Please head over there, check out the work, and leave some comments here at Rosenblog Headquarters about what you think. You will notice I have been nice enough to link all of my work in quicktime over here to the right. Enjoy the new site. 2007 looks to be the year.

Nothing to see here

Sorry, folks. Nothing new to report. I made my triumphant return to the fridid cold tempurtures of the East Coast, with very little fanfare. I promptly took everything I knew and placed 10th in trivia night at Last Exit last night, which was a crushing blow to my ego. I think the reason I was so upset is that I don't really know anything except mindless trivia, and to realize that I don't even know as much mindless trivia as my teammates or other Brooklynites was frustrating. Maybe next time I will add another smart person to the mix.

Anyone interested?

East Side Story

I make my long awaited return to Brooklyn this Sunday. I guess, technically I go through Queens first. The scary part of Queens. The parts with race tracks and outdoor subway platforms. The parts where these guys live:



Of course, I can't wait to get home. Why would I want this




when I could get back to this?



Beaches are for guys with self esteem anyway. You know who has high self esteem? Tom Cruise. 70% of all Rosenblog readers associate Tom Cruise with crazy space religions. And buttsex. True story. I read about it on tv one time.

Editor's note:
70% of Rosenblog readers = 1.7 readers. And let me tell you something; Greg and .7 of Josh knows what the fuck he (they) is (are) talking about.

This man must be stopped.

So in my trolls of the interweb, I have seen a lot of disturbing things. Most of them are courtesy of my friend Shane Conrad, who sends me without argument the most disgusting videos and photos my eyes have ever seen. I've seen all sorts of horrible things. Women being subjugated to awful abuse, George W. Bush quotes, and obscene videos of Peyton Manning winning the Super Bowl. None of this prepared me for this horrible thing I discovered while searching around for Chicago sports news:



Who the fuck does this guy think he is, exactly? First of all, he has the nerve to be named Rosenbloom and not be related to me. Secondly, he had the stones to not ask me, the definitive source of Rosenbloom on the internet, if he could call his blog Rosenblog. Everyone knows where the Rosenblog resides, and what it is. It lives where ever the fuck my computer is located, and it is only the best fucking site written by an amateur filmmaker/avid Chicago/Sacramento/University of Colorado sports fan/Brooklyn, NY resident. So there, Steven Rosenbloom, if that is your real name.

To add insult to incredible incurable injury, it looks like he is a White Sox fan. You know which Chicago residents are White Sox fans? The ones who don't speak English. And my Uncle Barry.

Editor's note: I will not be a frequent leader of the imposter Rosenblog, and will dissect everything this bozo has to say. I hope you're ready, Rosenbloom, you're about to be Peter King-ized.

120 Minutes

Tonight I experienced one of the nastiest parts of LA life. In fact, it was one of the reasons I moved across the country: traffic. I travelled the 27.1 miles from my house in Santa Monica to Glendale to my friend Amanda's house. This trip took over 2 hours, and 4 different freeways. I sat in my car (luckily a hybrid, so I didn't waste much gas), I got an ache in my back, I listened to a sweet mix CD I had made earlier twice, and although I don't have a picture of it, I saw a guy vomit out the passenger side window of a car. In honor of this soul crushing experience, I have composed a list of things that one can do in 2 hours besides travel less than 30 miles in LA rush hour traffic.

-Drive the 95 miles from Sacramento to San Francisco at almost any time of day.

-Watch and then discuss in depth David O. Russell's comedy Flirting With Disaster

-Watch 2 whole episodes of The Wire, the best show on television.

-Watch the fucking Kings blow an easy road game in fucking New Orleans.

-Teach yourself Photoshop, then use it to comp a picture of your group leader in Israel eating a gross candy thing at the Western Wall.



-Read one entire article in The New Yorker.

-Snort an entire 8 ball of cocaine off of the CD cases of Use Your Illusion 1 and 2, while listening to every song on both of those albums.

-Wake up late on a day off, masturbate, fall back asleep, wake up again, masturbate again.

-Shop for, assemble, bake, and eat that lasagna that everyone loves.



-Play 9 holes at most municipal golf courses.

-Read 1 or 2 pages of a Thomas Pynchon novel, give up, use those pages to wipe your ass.

-Order, eat, defecate a Chipotle burrito.

-Wait for the G train at 3:30AM.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Practice? Not a game, not a game...practice!

I know, I know. This is not a sports blog. Really, it isn't, but I cannot ignore my (sometimes...ok frequent) obession with the sports teams I follow. As reported here first, I attended the wonderful University of Colorado at Boulder (in Boulder). We used to have a scummy coach who liked strippers, but now we have a serious (potentially Mormon) coach who likes practice. And maybe losing games, if you look at last season. In any event I like Dan Hawkins. He seems like a smart guy. He has a pretty serious track record as well. If you look at his old job, the guys he recruited just had an undefeated season. I guarantee you they didn't get that way by skipping out on practice, which brings us to this rather inspiring clip brought to my attention courtesy of the fine folks at Deadspin. Just listen and know that this guy is coaching my team next year. Mack Brown, that pigfucker Bill Callahan, and whatever high school PE teacher is running the Baylor program better watch out. Our guys get an extra week of practice. Fight on...

The Hawk Loves Practice

Weekend in LA-Stop stalking me, Shawn Levy!!

As Rosenblog readers know, I saw Shawn Levy at breakfast on Friday morning before my pitch meeting. I was eating with Brian in Santa Monica, and Levy walked into the restaurant to meet with Seth Rogan.



You may remember Shawn Levy as director of 'Just Married', 'Cheaper By the Dozen (1 and 2)', 'The Pink Panther', and 'Night at the Museum'. Oh, you didn't see these movies? Guess what? He's a millionaire anyway. How you like them apples?

So anyway, I went to see the play 'Wicked' last night in Hollywood. It was good, I was surprised how much I liked it. Id had singing, dancing, and the little mute kid from Malcolm in the Middle. I get up to go to the bathroom at intermission and who almost knocks me over? Mr. Shawn Levy himself. Now some would say, 'Hey Aaron, you're in Los Angeles, there are celebrities everywhere. They are dropping dead on the sidewalk. Maybe, but in almost 2 years of living in LA, I think I can count on one hand the amount of celebrities I came into contact with. Now you're telling me that in less than 3 days I saw the same bigtime studio director twice?! Clearly he heard I was coming to town, and wanted to glean whatever independent spirit he can to fill the black hole in his chest that once housed his heart, but now houses monetary bills. Sorry, Shawn, you lost all hope when you voluntarily made a movie starring Ashton Kutcher AND Britney Murphy.

I also saw the German film, The Lives of Others. It was great, I cannot recommend it highly enough. Unless, of course, you can't read, because it has subtitles.

Industry Rule # 4,080

I had my pitch meeting today at Direct TV's massive headquarters in Marina Del Rey. The place is kind of imposing, what with it's 10 huge satellite dishes and armed guard at the gate. Then again if I held the key to the NFL's broadcast signals I would protect that too.

Brian, Dustin and I arrived on time and delivered our pitch to two executives from Channel 101 on Direct TV. One of them is a guy I actually grew up with on the mean streets of Sacramento, and the other was an MTV producer on a now defunct show which pitted jokesters against each other, trying to out zing each other's mothers.

Obviously I have no idea how things went, they seemed to like our idea and asked some good questions, but in the end, left us unsure and a bit confused.

But hey, if nothing else I saw Shawn Levy and Seth Rogan having breakfast this morning. So I have that going for me. Which is nice.

Just so you don't think this is a sports blog

On occasion I make films. On even more frequent occasions, I watch films. I like documentaries quite a bit. It allows me to go into a film and know for a fact I will not have to deal with lousy writing or asinine surprise endings

See this movie. If I get to make a real documentary, I would want it to be this cool and interesting. And if I did cocaine, well frankly this movie makes me never want to have anything to do with cocaine. Except for the sweet nightclubs, luxury cars, enormous beachside mansions and helicopters. Yeah, that guy had a helicopter. What would you do if you owned a helicopter? I might take it to work. Why not?

One of my favorite things

I'm bored. Seriously. No meetings today, nowhere really to go without sitting in the (borrowed, hybrid) car for at least 40 minutes, I am just sitting here in these sweet Santa Monica digs waiting around for the Duke/UNC rivalry explosion tonight. What to do while waiting for Dick Vitale to spit, shout, and scream while praising players who wouldn't be able to steal this guy's spot on an NBA team? I go here. All I can say is that I am so happy these guys decided not to take the off season...well, off. Who will cover Matt Millen's drafting of a wide receiver? The rehiring (read, refiring) of Norv Turner? The revisionist Jail House Rock musical number staring the rest of the Cincy Bengals? Good thing I don't have to think about those things. When does the game start?

Waiting

Our pitch meeting with DirecTV was pushed back from today at 3:00PM to Friday at the same time. I hadn't anticipated all of this time. Maybe I will go get in the car and see how much time I can spend trying to get from Santa Monica to Beverly Hills. The over/under is 1 hour and 37 minutes.

Oh yeah. One more thing.

I still believe in you, Sexy Rexy. 2008 is the year of the Gunslinger.

They say the West coast is the best coast

Safely in LA, where I will be until...um...until the tempurture back in New York gets back into the positive numbers in Celcius. My favorite memory from Sunday night's debacle was Udi telling me how cold it was in Chicago. 'Dude, it was below zero...IN FARENHEIT'. Silly Israelis have so much to learn about the English measuring system.

So here I am, about to work on my new TV show idea. I could tell you more, but then I would be killed. And so would you. I am hoping to get some quality time with some family and see some old friends. You know who you are. Holla.